TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have A different place the place American Males can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you everyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he must stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Trump Tower Damascus Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting consideration from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge in which my PTSD may have turn-down support."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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